I'm currently at the library, writing a paper for my English professor that is due at midnight. For some reason, I can't concentrate; so I'm telling you what is on my mind. I missed my counseling session today. I called twice before informing the receptionist that I would have to reschedule. She didn't have a problem and in the back of her mind was probably thinking "okay, as long as you don't slit your wrist, have a wonderful weekend :) And just to put it out there, I don't have a cutting problem. Anyways, I slept longer than I expected which signals depression or just oversleeping. But seeing how my days have gone, I would say it's depression. I woke up and felt the urge to listen to Lauryn Hill's "When it hurts so bad" and I don't know why I've been listening to ballads for the past week now. I mean I'm 300 and something odd miles away from home, live on my own, free to do whatever I want, while getting an education...this is what I wanted RIGHT?
I have been doing horribly at attending daily practices and am thinking about quitting the team. Even though, it isn't varsity I wanted to be on a team for it's support, sportmanship and physical fitness. I just don't think right now is a good time to be one of the players. I don't know where I'll go from here since I already missed the mandatory meeting but I'll keep you updated on that.
Ughhh, I had my italian 101 BEGINNERS class today which I was not looking forward too and adding to the optismism I received a C+ on my composition. I told Brielynn about it, who is taking spanish 201 and she told me that her professor doesn't even give her class compositions to write. Now I'm thinking Why the hell am I getting one? On top of that I have a test next friday and all the homework assignments are due next Thursday. No seriously you should see these homework practices, we have a workbook and lab section to complete for one chapter (keep in mind that chapter 4 is 20 textbook pages long). This is just to much for me to handle, I thought learning a new language would be fun but I guess I shouldn't have expected less being that it is taught in an american university and not in Italy itself, which would've made the course more interesting because you're actually in the enviroment.
Moving on, I missed tutoring yesterday because I wanted to read up on some Mass Media which I definitely didn't read and comprehend instead skimmed and took two 4 question quizzes online. I need to get my life together.
When it Hurts so Bad- Lauryn Hill
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I'll admit, I have internal conflicts
I'm trying to find forever, even if forever cannot be found. Why do I keep doing these things to myself? I keep letting my ego get in the way of what I really want to say, or what I really want to do. There are too many things in this world that have kept me from smiling. But why do I let it get the best of me? I guess what they say is true, when you turn 18 you've accumulate a bunch of cards and your finally on your own. I've let shit slide for too long now and it's time for me to step up and put my foot down.
For instance, I'm alone or as most people would call it being "single". It is because I overthink, overworry, and overstress myself over nothing. And that there isn't much to distract you around campus (if you know what I mean). I won't jump into a relationship and make a committment to someone who does not have my best interest at heart. I see alot of other people having that ability to put their emotions and hapiness in someone elses hand, and I don't respect that. Its not fair to the person who is getting their hopes up and it isn't fair to the person who is giving themself away. There is nothing wrong with flirting or joking around, but why even put yourself in that position where you get attached to someone who only wants pleasure. There is someone in this world for everyone; so, why do we go out of our way to make ourselves noticeable to someone who has no impact on our lives?
I hate the fact that girls cry over boys, and boys chase girls ....that is not the way discovery should be!!! And why is it that everytime a girl doesn't get her way with a guy she thinks theres something wrong with her, or something wrong with him. There's even a movie about it, called "HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". And why do guys feel that having a number of girls makes them look or even feel good. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't even remotely share the same interests or have the same morals as you do? See, did you just notice the similarities between both genders? NO ONE WINS IN THE END. It is just a game that we play for whatever reason, and that is the game I'm not willing to play.
I don't know how I'll find happiness or what point in my life will I be once it's here, but I'm damn sure waiting for it. I think it's sickening how much time I wasted overanalyzing people and their habits. You see at the end of the day I didn't gain closure, I didn't get anything but a slap in the face. I now know that I can't wish for things to happen, but let it happen on its own time. I still have love for all those that were positive to me, and were their to help me with my troubles. Everyday is a challenge that I'm working to fight against, in my eyes I won't lose the battle if I continue to ask questions because knowledge is power and no one can ever be to smart for their own good.
"In the Event of My Demise"
In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplishbefore I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive In the event of my Demise
Song of the Day: "Until the End of Time" - Tupac Shakur
For instance, I'm alone or as most people would call it being "single". It is because I overthink, overworry, and overstress myself over nothing. And that there isn't much to distract you around campus (if you know what I mean). I won't jump into a relationship and make a committment to someone who does not have my best interest at heart. I see alot of other people having that ability to put their emotions and hapiness in someone elses hand, and I don't respect that. Its not fair to the person who is getting their hopes up and it isn't fair to the person who is giving themself away. There is nothing wrong with flirting or joking around, but why even put yourself in that position where you get attached to someone who only wants pleasure. There is someone in this world for everyone; so, why do we go out of our way to make ourselves noticeable to someone who has no impact on our lives?
I hate the fact that girls cry over boys, and boys chase girls ....that is not the way discovery should be!!! And why is it that everytime a girl doesn't get her way with a guy she thinks theres something wrong with her, or something wrong with him. There's even a movie about it, called "HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". And why do guys feel that having a number of girls makes them look or even feel good. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't even remotely share the same interests or have the same morals as you do? See, did you just notice the similarities between both genders? NO ONE WINS IN THE END. It is just a game that we play for whatever reason, and that is the game I'm not willing to play.
I don't know how I'll find happiness or what point in my life will I be once it's here, but I'm damn sure waiting for it. I think it's sickening how much time I wasted overanalyzing people and their habits. You see at the end of the day I didn't gain closure, I didn't get anything but a slap in the face. I now know that I can't wish for things to happen, but let it happen on its own time. I still have love for all those that were positive to me, and were their to help me with my troubles. Everyday is a challenge that I'm working to fight against, in my eyes I won't lose the battle if I continue to ask questions because knowledge is power and no one can ever be to smart for their own good.
"In the Event of My Demise"
In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplishbefore I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive In the event of my Demise
Song of the Day: "Until the End of Time" - Tupac Shakur
Saturday, October 17, 2009
"Saturday is game day"
Shit, my room smells really bad right now (had to get that out the way). SO it's 1: 15 am and I just got in my room. Because SATURDAY I S G A M E D A Y. We played and due to poor scrum downs and excessive mud on the St. Bonaventure Rugby field, we lost against Niagara. Yep, our fourth lost in a room. You can say we're at a losing streak LOL. I played the second half and performed decent, but I still could use some conditioning (running drills) because I find myself running out of breathe after a few minutes. I might add that our wing was awesome and we played exceptional defense, but Niagara's offense was unstopable. It was like there passes were precise and no matter how many girls we took down, they always had a side player right there supporting them and catching the ball.
After rolling around in mud for 2 minutes because "I wasn't dirty enough" we took team pictures and headed to the RC for pizza. About two hours later half of the team went over to shockys house for some post game talk and we had a few drinks. OMG you wouldn't believe the shit I found out today. All I have to say is that the WOMANS Rugby team has quite some few experiences their past semesters and are definitely freaks!! I didn't even want to say any of my embarrasing moments because I felt mines weren't half as funny or extreme. I surprisingly enjoyed my day and was too beat to go to fosters later tonight. I say fosters because that is the only place where people can go out and be social around this town. I would definitely have to say that Shockie is HILARIOUS, and Brittany D. and Kristen are badddd!!
After a while I started to get a headache and had to leave the apartment for some fresh air. We left around 11: 15pm and had to stop at McDonalds again because Courtney had to get her McDouble that she wouldn't shut up about for the last hour. The ride wasn't as uncomfortable as it was before, but I made it to rob safely, thanks to Heather.
My clothes got so freaking muddy and I swear there isn't enough detergent in the world to get my long john's to look as clean as they were before the game. Not looking forward to a long day of laundry tomorrow, but I am anxious to read my sis Brielynn's blog....she has raw talent like me !!!!!
Song of the Day: "Hot like Fire" by Aaliyah
After rolling around in mud for 2 minutes because "I wasn't dirty enough" we took team pictures and headed to the RC for pizza. About two hours later half of the team went over to shockys house for some post game talk and we had a few drinks. OMG you wouldn't believe the shit I found out today. All I have to say is that the WOMANS Rugby team has quite some few experiences their past semesters and are definitely freaks!! I didn't even want to say any of my embarrasing moments because I felt mines weren't half as funny or extreme. I surprisingly enjoyed my day and was too beat to go to fosters later tonight. I say fosters because that is the only place where people can go out and be social around this town. I would definitely have to say that Shockie is HILARIOUS, and Brittany D. and Kristen are badddd!!
After a while I started to get a headache and had to leave the apartment for some fresh air. We left around 11: 15pm and had to stop at McDonalds again because Courtney had to get her McDouble that she wouldn't shut up about for the last hour. The ride wasn't as uncomfortable as it was before, but I made it to rob safely, thanks to Heather.
My clothes got so freaking muddy and I swear there isn't enough detergent in the world to get my long john's to look as clean as they were before the game. Not looking forward to a long day of laundry tomorrow, but I am anxious to read my sis Brielynn's blog....she has raw talent like me !!!!!
Song of the Day: "Hot like Fire" by Aaliyah
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Surprisingly, it was a good night :)
Anyone that knows me, knows that I hate animals with a passion and being from NYC the only animals I'm used to seeing are pitbulls and stray cats. NO, I just seen five freaking deers and YES i did have my glasses on !!! It happened about 45 mins ago when walking back to Falconio from Brielynn's car. She was the first one to spot it and I clearly thought she was losing her mind. After I realized that it was a deer I thought I was losing my mind. Then after I claimed down an stopped screaming "SQUALIE" for 5 mins, we all seen a skunk run pass the grass. UGHH...what an experience!
I know your thinking why did I see all these animals around 3 a.m on a Saturday night? Yes, I finally went to out tonight for the first time in four weeks. It felt good going out dancing, socializing and *ahemmm* having a lot of fun in Brielynn's car. Hell yeah, we don't take the drunk bus no whereeee. Foster's which is the local club that everyone from my school and in this town goes to, it's the closest thing to live action similar to the City. Oh yeah and I was definitely not sober so that helped.
Besides that I didn't do much today but laundry and organize my messy side of the room. Roomie comes back tomorrow...hope she makes it back safe :) I will no longer have the dorm all to myself but that is okay. Tomorrow is study day, I have an Italian test on MOnday so I'll be doing quia all day. My professor will be absent for the next two classes after so I'll pretty much be done with Italian for a week and a half.
I want to write more but I can't. My eyelids feel heavy and my throat is dry. I want to wash all this eyeshadow off my face but I'm too lazy and creeped out to walk to the bathroom, but I probably will have to know that I must shit.
So good night and talk to you later.
Song of the Day: "Invented Sex" by Trey Songz
I know your thinking why did I see all these animals around 3 a.m on a Saturday night? Yes, I finally went to out tonight for the first time in four weeks. It felt good going out dancing, socializing and *ahemmm* having a lot of fun in Brielynn's car. Hell yeah, we don't take the drunk bus no whereeee. Foster's which is the local club that everyone from my school and in this town goes to, it's the closest thing to live action similar to the City. Oh yeah and I was definitely not sober so that helped.
Besides that I didn't do much today but laundry and organize my messy side of the room. Roomie comes back tomorrow...hope she makes it back safe :) I will no longer have the dorm all to myself but that is okay. Tomorrow is study day, I have an Italian test on MOnday so I'll be doing quia all day. My professor will be absent for the next two classes after so I'll pretty much be done with Italian for a week and a half.
I want to write more but I can't. My eyelids feel heavy and my throat is dry. I want to wash all this eyeshadow off my face but I'm too lazy and creeped out to walk to the bathroom, but I probably will have to know that I must shit.
So good night and talk to you later.
Song of the Day: "Invented Sex" by Trey Songz
Friday, October 2, 2009
Can't Sleep
Hello world. Sorry I took so long to post a new blog but I've been a busy bug today. Can you believe I had a meeting at the counseling center? I know, you're probably thinking I'm having anxiety attacks or on suicide watch but I just felt I needed someone to talk to. Someone who I can bore with my problems without being interuppted or judge. I forgot her name but she's pretty cool and we schedule to meet on Fridays. Now as for my academics of the day, I finally managed to get a tutor for Italian; only problem is the midterm is Monday and I can't meet with him/her anytime before that :(.. I WILL NOT FAIL. I also took the initate and tried studying at the library, it wasn't much of a difference from my room but I wasn't tempted to lay on my bed so that helped. Oh, yeah and I missed practice for the third day in a row. Instead, I went to Martial Arts in the Richter Center. It was weird, like how you have to position your feet and throw a punch all at once. It was only a hour and half but felt much shorter, I think I will continue to go :)
OMG, guess who I just got off the phone with? S H E R E L L !!!
I was so happy to talk to her and she kept me updated with her first month of college life (way more interesting than mines). She was like all excited about broadcasting or podcasting or whatever the hell she was talking about, and drinking and how her R.A is a bitch* hmm and some things that were not approving.
But all is well and I'm having another sucky night. I don't care how the weather is tomorrow, I am going outtt. Coco Chanel doesn't want to go to Syracuse, which doesn't bother me because I didn't come up with the idea but I just hope we all go out and have a great time. So besides acting a fool at Cafe La Verna and swiping my debit card for unessecary items I didn't do much more. Pretty mellow and I'm just not tired. Ughhh I'm so h o m e s i c k, I want to leave nowwwwwwwwwwwww.
P.s= I don't know who spread the word but there is not and won't be a LINGERIE PARTY at ROB 2nd Flr tonight, so please stop asking!
Remember NO means NO && Much love to you.
Song of the Day: "Cool Like That" by A Tribe called Quest
OMG, guess who I just got off the phone with? S H E R E L L !!!
I was so happy to talk to her and she kept me updated with her first month of college life (way more interesting than mines). She was like all excited about broadcasting or podcasting or whatever the hell she was talking about, and drinking and how her R.A is a bitch* hmm and some things that were not approving.
But all is well and I'm having another sucky night. I don't care how the weather is tomorrow, I am going outtt. Coco Chanel doesn't want to go to Syracuse, which doesn't bother me because I didn't come up with the idea but I just hope we all go out and have a great time. So besides acting a fool at Cafe La Verna and swiping my debit card for unessecary items I didn't do much more. Pretty mellow and I'm just not tired. Ughhh I'm so h o m e s i c k, I want to leave nowwwwwwwwwwwww.
P.s= I don't know who spread the word but there is not and won't be a LINGERIE PARTY at ROB 2nd Flr tonight, so please stop asking!
Remember NO means NO && Much love to you.
Song of the Day: "Cool Like That" by A Tribe called Quest
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Newbie*
Sweetttt... I've been in my room for the last five hours glued to my books and this computer screen. I guess being a dweeb on the weekdays isn't so bad. Guess what I'll do afterwards?
MORE STUDYING! yay. But seriously, i have so many assignments to complete and tests to take next week so I'm trying to get a head start. I feel the most comfortable with my Literature class because we're only assigned to analyze and interpret one of the stories from the book. hmm, doesn't sound bad; I just don't understand why I have to write four pages to show that I know what I'm reading. UGH.
But I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I've been waiting for tomorrow since Monday. It's surprising when the days go by so quick over here, I mean I am living in cow town, O-lee-an or whatever.
Okay so this blog was bland, nothing juicy but don't worry because I'll be getting into details and TRUST ME you will not be bored. (I can be real funny when I want to). Anywho I've g2g read more shit ..oh yeah don't be alarmed because I'm an advent user of that word but I'll try to keep it PG-13...
Song of the Day:"The Prayer" by Kid Cudi
ARRiVEDERCi
MORE STUDYING! yay. But seriously, i have so many assignments to complete and tests to take next week so I'm trying to get a head start. I feel the most comfortable with my Literature class because we're only assigned to analyze and interpret one of the stories from the book. hmm, doesn't sound bad; I just don't understand why I have to write four pages to show that I know what I'm reading. UGH.
But I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I've been waiting for tomorrow since Monday. It's surprising when the days go by so quick over here, I mean I am living in cow town, O-lee-an or whatever.
Okay so this blog was bland, nothing juicy but don't worry because I'll be getting into details and TRUST ME you will not be bored. (I can be real funny when I want to). Anywho I've g2g read more shit ..oh yeah don't be alarmed because I'm an advent user of that word but I'll try to keep it PG-13...
Song of the Day:"The Prayer" by Kid Cudi
ARRiVEDERCi
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