I'll admit, I have internal conflicts

I'm trying to find forever, even if forever cannot be found. Why do I keep doing these things to myself? I keep letting my ego get in the way of what I really want to say, or what I really want to do. There are too many things in this world that have kept me from smiling. But why do I let it get the best of me? I guess what they say is true, when you turn 18 you've accumulate a bunch of cards and your finally on your own. I've let shit slide for too long now and it's time for me to step up and put my foot down.

For instance, I'm alone or as most people would call it being "single". It is because I overthink, overworry, and overstress myself over nothing. And that there isn't much to distract you around campus (if you know what I mean). I won't jump into a relationship and make a committment to someone who does not have my best interest at heart. I see alot of other people having that ability to put their emotions and hapiness in someone elses hand, and I don't respect that. Its not fair to the person who is getting their hopes up and it isn't fair to the person who is giving themself away. There is nothing wrong with flirting or joking around, but why even put yourself in that position where you get attached to someone who only wants pleasure. There is someone in this world for everyone; so, why do we go out of our way to make ourselves noticeable to someone who has no impact on our lives?

I hate the fact that girls cry over boys, and boys chase girls ....that is not the way discovery should be!!! And why is it that everytime a girl doesn't get her way with a guy she thinks theres something wrong with her, or something wrong with him. There's even a movie about it, called "HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". And why do guys feel that having a number of girls makes them look or even feel good. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't even remotely share the same interests or have the same morals as you do? See, did you just notice the similarities between both genders? NO ONE WINS IN THE END. It is just a game that we play for whatever reason, and that is the game I'm not willing to play.

I don't know how I'll find happiness or what point in my life will I be once it's here, but I'm damn sure waiting for it. I think it's sickening how much time I wasted overanalyzing people and their habits. You see at the end of the day I didn't gain closure, I didn't get anything but a slap in the face. I now know that I can't wish for things to happen, but let it happen on its own time. I still have love for all those that were positive to me, and were their to help me with my troubles. Everyday is a challenge that I'm working to fight against, in my eyes I won't lose the battle if I continue to ask questions because knowledge is power and no one can ever be to smart for their own good.



"In the Event of My Demise"

In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplishbefore I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive In the event of my Demise



Song of the Day: "Until the End of Time" - Tupac Shakur